New Friend Request
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Where Are They Now? 2/13/11 10:36 AM
I have been on this site for WAY too long. Five and a half years to be precise. During that time many characters have appeared then departed. Some were great at games.... some got a bit lippy on the blogs....some were totally outrageous. Some were all three.
It's Sunday afternoon and I am feeling a little nostalgic, so I thought it might be interesting to celebrate the dearly (or not so dearly) departed. I like lists. Here is a list.It's of the names of those who for me at least made an impact and made King.com the Bedlam of the PC games world.
These names are randomly placed, so no winners and no losers. Having said that, viewers can be the judge. So....here we go. Please feel free to add at will.
1. Darkdwaggie - an absolute legend ! Splendid at games, but woe betide anyone who beat him....you'd pay for it in the blogs ! YOU WERE JUST LUCKY !!!! Sorely missed, though....
2. Silent Hill - ah, our Antipodean chum. Also very good at games, but armed to the teeth with a sense of humour to die for. I think he disappeared into the outback with his belovered Jess (no relation to Postman Pat's black and white cat) to start a dingo farm.
3. Trixilixi - no relation to our very own Trixiza (fortunately). This one gave many people nightmares with her eloquent messages of less than good cheer. Rumour now has it that she is doing audio books... the proof reader has his/her work cut out removing the expletives. Either that or she is knitting barbed wire underpants for M & S.
4.Bren - one of the original Topic Twisters. He had a rather unfortunate perversion.... supported Manchester United. Last heard of in a Salford Rehab Clinic having to repeat the phrases " Wayne Rooney is just a big puff" and "Carlos Tevez is the handsomest man in football" over and over again .
5. Kongsan - ever step in something you shouldn't have? That's what reading a blog by this literary genius felt like. One had to admire his perseverance though.... he even had a set of aliases to fool us, but unfortunately his lack of decent grammar and total inability to spell always gave him away. How I'd love to challenge THIS comedian to a game of Keyword.....
That's it for now. I am sure that I have forgotten some, but it's OK for you lot to remind me of others...
Thank you for reading.110 comments -
What Is A Chuckleberry ? 1/29/11 4:57 AM
Chuckleberry. My new favourite word. What does it mean though? It's anything taken orally that makes one feel good. Has to be a solid though, so beer, wine, spirits and the like do not count. The first chuckleberry of the day could be a single Rice Krispy, or perhaps the Valium which your Doctor prescribed. Even saying the word "chuckleberry" cannot fail to put a smile on your face. I personally think that the word should be added to the OED and everyone should say it at least once a day.
In a moment of inspiration I invented this chuckleberry concept. If you see someone smiling, you could say "I see that you have been eating the berries then" and smile back... if they don't smack you then you will know that THIS REALLY WORKS.
Try it on your friends (here I am making the assumption that your friends smile occasionally and do not grimace perpetually). Better still, approach a complete stranger in the local shopping centre, or even Tesco's, and give them a chuckleberry moment. They will thank you for making their day.15 comments -
GUYS VERSUS GALS 1/18/11 4:46 PM
No contest.
We are simply superior.
End Of Story.
Read this and weep, you alley cats. By the way, the pic is of the western version of BALUT - remember that?
:o)24 comments -
A Bog Standard Guide To Gaining A Full Appreciation Of Flower Power. 11/9/10 4:44 PM
I have tried, I really have (actually I haven't) to come to terms with the allure of this game.
Somehow it's appeal has escaped me, and I have come to the painstaking conclusion that it is utter cack. So my guide is very short......
AVOID THIS RUBBISH LIKE THE PLAGUE.
Hope this helps.
Thank you for reading.6 comments -
Additions To The Bog Standard Keyword Guide 11/9/10 4:33 PM
OK, a few of you have read my first attempt at writing a guide to this spiffing game. First of all I must apologise to you less than fluent English speakers out there, because I did write it specifically for us Brits...... I myself am fluent in three languages - bad, foul and profane. Four if you include Gobbledegook.
That's not actually true unless you are inclined to believe some of the Potato Heads on this site who love to have a pop at me.
I omitted a couple of key tactics, which may be obvious to some but not to everyone, so thanks to Barb for reminding me..... I'll add a couple more now. Remember that these two tips are only applicable to challenges, not to one-off games.
Timing.
Try not to spend over a minute over each round. This will give you more time to think about the bonus round should you reach it, where it is possible to hit really good scores. If you have kept a record of your words in previous games then you can tap out your best words pretty quickly in the next game.
Word Details
The one thing I always do is write ALL my words down after each game - so I can make adjustments to maximise my score (if possible). And it IS important to know all of the words used in each round, 3 and 4 letter ones as well as the bigger efforts.Often you can combine some of the letters in smaller words to make longer ones which give you more gold tiles in later rounds. Works for me.
It is my ambition to get the word "axolotls" in the bonus round with the help of six gold tiles. My best word so far has been "adolescents"
More tips are welcome. I do hope this helps.
Thank you for reading.
4 comments
A Bog Standard Guide To Getting Decent Scores On Keyword. 11/4/10 4:00 PM
Hello folks. From the outset I shall tell you that I have rarely read a guide on ANY game, let alone written one, but there is always a first time, so here goes.......
All the games on King require certain aptitudes. Some are sharpness of eye, as in Carnival Shootout, others need the application of logic, as in Aztec Drop and many others. Some require good eyesight and memory skills, as in those utterly horrid Mahjong games, but then again, each to their own. . Numeracy as well as logic is required in Sudoku Sweep. I particularly hate that one.
You may know that my own personal favourites are Big Bang and Keyword (there are a couple of others but hey ho.....there are far better guides elsewhere).Regarding Big Bang, I tend to play that one by instinct and so far that has served me quite well.
Keyword is a different kettle of fish.... you cannot really blag it on this one, so given the number of people who have asked how I regularly get half-decent scores I thought I'd let you know how I approach the game.
Before I begin, thanks to Dan (thank the lord that he is not currently in the challenges list) Barb, who has always had something constructive to say, Rockin Robyn who nags me to bits, Amy whose own word blog is rather splendid, and quite a few others.
OK.... here's what you need first of all.
No use playing this unless you have a decent vocabulary and a reasonable ability to spell.
You need to be able to look at a grid of letters as a whole, not just pick out one word and start from there - doing this may prevent you from finding higher scoring letter combinations.
1. Grids
try to identify one word which will send you through to the next round with the possibility of reaching the bonus round still intact - that's one word of 5 letters or more. Failing that, 3 words of 4 letters will do the trick.
look for options to get gold letters - 6 letter words will give you a gold letter in the next round. 5 letter words will also increase letter values as well. 3 letter words are of least value, but can still be useful.
2. Words
Always look for words with which you are familiar.... "e"s and "d"s together are always useful, as are "ing"s.
Don't rely on english spellings - for example, "color" and "tumor" are acceptable.
Comparatives are good if you can add "er" to the end of an adjective.
3. Using dictionaries.
this is my bug bear - I never do it !!!!!
If a word sounds right, try it - you can always check it out later (or variants on that word). It's rare that a really obscure word found via a dictionary will bring you masses of extra points. Unless you are the Einstein of words, just go with what you know.
4. The Bonus Round.
Crucial to high scoring. Accumulate as many 5 & ^ letter words as you can in the previous rounds, thereby giving you the highest possible number of gold tiles at the end. That's where I make most of my points.
Ok, this has been short and sweet but I hope it helps. Any other tips are welcome.
Thank you for reading.
All the games on King require certain aptitudes. Some are sharpness of eye, as in Carnival Shootout, others need the application of logic, as in Aztec Drop and many others. Some require good eyesight and memory skills, as in those utterly horrid Mahjong games, but then again, each to their own. . Numeracy as well as logic is required in Sudoku Sweep. I particularly hate that one.
You may know that my own personal favourites are Big Bang and Keyword (there are a couple of others but hey ho.....there are far better guides elsewhere).Regarding Big Bang, I tend to play that one by instinct and so far that has served me quite well.
Keyword is a different kettle of fish.... you cannot really blag it on this one, so given the number of people who have asked how I regularly get half-decent scores I thought I'd let you know how I approach the game.
Before I begin, thanks to Dan (thank the lord that he is not currently in the challenges list) Barb, who has always had something constructive to say, Rockin Robyn who nags me to bits, Amy whose own word blog is rather splendid, and quite a few others.
OK.... here's what you need first of all.
No use playing this unless you have a decent vocabulary and a reasonable ability to spell.
You need to be able to look at a grid of letters as a whole, not just pick out one word and start from there - doing this may prevent you from finding higher scoring letter combinations.
1. Grids
try to identify one word which will send you through to the next round with the possibility of reaching the bonus round still intact - that's one word of 5 letters or more. Failing that, 3 words of 4 letters will do the trick.
look for options to get gold letters - 6 letter words will give you a gold letter in the next round. 5 letter words will also increase letter values as well. 3 letter words are of least value, but can still be useful.
2. Words
Always look for words with which you are familiar.... "e"s and "d"s together are always useful, as are "ing"s.
Don't rely on english spellings - for example, "color" and "tumor" are acceptable.
Comparatives are good if you can add "er" to the end of an adjective.
3. Using dictionaries.
this is my bug bear - I never do it !!!!!
If a word sounds right, try it - you can always check it out later (or variants on that word). It's rare that a really obscure word found via a dictionary will bring you masses of extra points. Unless you are the Einstein of words, just go with what you know.
4. The Bonus Round.
Crucial to high scoring. Accumulate as many 5 & ^ letter words as you can in the previous rounds, thereby giving you the highest possible number of gold tiles at the end. That's where I make most of my points.
Ok, this has been short and sweet but I hope it helps. Any other tips are welcome.
Thank you for reading.
17 comments
Captivity / Being Underground. 10/20/10 3:06 PM
By now quite a lot of you blogfolk have learned of the fate which has befallen me. As a result of daring to criticise King I have been confined to my little underground pad for the best part of a month, living on the scraps which those of you on the surface have dared to smuggle in. Otherwise it would have been stale bread, water and maggots for breakfast, dinner and tea. Raw chickens DO suck nontheless.
Your concerns were appreciated.
I am due for release within the next week or so, but it remains to be seen whether or not The KongSan Fan Club (aka King Administrators) will allow me to rejoin the blogs. It's common knowledge that they find what I say hard to swallow.We'll see what happens.
Having been made the leper of the site hasn't been that bad really - quite the opposite in some ways - avenues to communicate weren't all blocked, and at times it felt a bit like being a POW.... messages were sneaked in and out and spirits remained high. Loads of stuff made me laugh. You know who you are !
And I have still managed to beat the crap out of some of you in the challenges!
So..... here I still am.....The Nelson Mandela of KINGWORLD. Or....the last Chilean miner waiting for that marvellous pod to bring me back to the surface......or one of the crew of Apollo 13 awaiting retrieval...
That's ME done - if the truth be told, you lot have been great.... King has been despicable.
Thank you for reading.
P.S. The new image reflects my email address.
Your concerns were appreciated.
I am due for release within the next week or so, but it remains to be seen whether or not The KongSan Fan Club (aka King Administrators) will allow me to rejoin the blogs. It's common knowledge that they find what I say hard to swallow.We'll see what happens.
Having been made the leper of the site hasn't been that bad really - quite the opposite in some ways - avenues to communicate weren't all blocked, and at times it felt a bit like being a POW.... messages were sneaked in and out and spirits remained high. Loads of stuff made me laugh. You know who you are !
And I have still managed to beat the crap out of some of you in the challenges!
So..... here I still am.....The Nelson Mandela of KINGWORLD. Or....the last Chilean miner waiting for that marvellous pod to bring me back to the surface......or one of the crew of Apollo 13 awaiting retrieval...
That's ME done - if the truth be told, you lot have been great.... King has been despicable.
Thank you for reading.
P.S. The new image reflects my email address.
17 comments
Balroc's Dungeon Diets 10/3/10 6:05 PM
You people on the surface can be SO SO cruel. I am still able to read the blogs, and have duly noted the recent exchange of recipes therein. And here am I. officially only being allowed stale bread and a thimbleful of rancid milk twice a day (usually at the times when freerolls can be played.... as you can imagine, I am more interested in getting my meagre rations down my neck than trying to win 2 pence on some crappy Mahjong game.
Some members have been kind enough to smuggle in gifts to me. The two mice made great companions for the first ten minutes of their arrival, but then a hungry man has to do what he has to do..... I particularly regret the passing of Mouse Number Two, who I lovingly christened " Smalltoe". Even without condiments or other seasoning he was totally delicious. My only request to anyone considering sending more mice is that they try to find one' with more meat on them. The two so far have been tasty but too scrawny. I want something I can dig me teeth into.
This is why I am contemplating a whole change of lifestyle if I ever get out of here. Having survived thus far on a diet of bread, rancid (almost cheese-like) milk, beetles, cockroaches, flies, mice and the stuffing of my urine soaked mattress (not mine I may add) I will be turning cannibal upon release.
I have no wish to offend anyone from Iceland, but I have a craving..... for my first proper meal I would LOVE slowly roasted leg of Bjork, with all the trimmings.....
Any offers?
Thank you for reading.
Some members have been kind enough to smuggle in gifts to me. The two mice made great companions for the first ten minutes of their arrival, but then a hungry man has to do what he has to do..... I particularly regret the passing of Mouse Number Two, who I lovingly christened " Smalltoe". Even without condiments or other seasoning he was totally delicious. My only request to anyone considering sending more mice is that they try to find one' with more meat on them. The two so far have been tasty but too scrawny. I want something I can dig me teeth into.
This is why I am contemplating a whole change of lifestyle if I ever get out of here. Having survived thus far on a diet of bread, rancid (almost cheese-like) milk, beetles, cockroaches, flies, mice and the stuffing of my urine soaked mattress (not mine I may add) I will be turning cannibal upon release.
I have no wish to offend anyone from Iceland, but I have a craving..... for my first proper meal I would LOVE slowly roasted leg of Bjork, with all the trimmings.....
Any offers?
Thank you for reading.
27 comments
How To Beat Your Head Against a Brick Wall 9/28/10 10:21 AM
The last week has been sort of interesting, given the chain of events which once more have led to me being sent to the nether regions of the Kingdom. This is a place with which I am now all too familiar, having spent many a happy hour down here with my fellow offenders and cockroaches.
Yes, the walls ARE made of bricks, cemented together lovingly by dollops of "Double Standard Thick Skinned" mortar, provided by our patrons. Not to worry though.... the floor is soft, with tunnelling a definite possibility.
It can get lonely at times down here - ("flies all green and buzzin' in this dungeon of despair") and I crave a sandwich now and again.... the choice of fillings however is somewhat meagre. My captors have been trying to force-feed me Humble Pie, but there is no chance of that happening. I shall stick to chewing on my soggy mattress for sustenance.
Enough of this waffle.... I have my copy of "Kerrang" to keep me company....I just hope that the sinister midgets with the buckets and mops don't try to burn it.....
So... here is Balrocs guide to beating one's head against a brick wall. Please feel free to comment or add suggestions, and try not to agitate my oppressors ( the cockroaches at surface level).
1. Stand your ground when making your points
2. Go cap in hand to support when you feel that there is an issue which needs sorting.
3. Try telling the powers that be that some things just shouldn't be permitted
4.Nut the bricks in frustration.
5.Be honest to yourselves.
Usually I make 10 points on the "How To" blogs, but I reckon that five is enough in this circumstance. Must go now - I get one hour of exercise in here, and my head hurts.....
Thank you for reading.
Yes, the walls ARE made of bricks, cemented together lovingly by dollops of "Double Standard Thick Skinned" mortar, provided by our patrons. Not to worry though.... the floor is soft, with tunnelling a definite possibility.
It can get lonely at times down here - ("flies all green and buzzin' in this dungeon of despair") and I crave a sandwich now and again.... the choice of fillings however is somewhat meagre. My captors have been trying to force-feed me Humble Pie, but there is no chance of that happening. I shall stick to chewing on my soggy mattress for sustenance.
Enough of this waffle.... I have my copy of "Kerrang" to keep me company....I just hope that the sinister midgets with the buckets and mops don't try to burn it.....
So... here is Balrocs guide to beating one's head against a brick wall. Please feel free to comment or add suggestions, and try not to agitate my oppressors ( the cockroaches at surface level).
1. Stand your ground when making your points
2. Go cap in hand to support when you feel that there is an issue which needs sorting.
3. Try telling the powers that be that some things just shouldn't be permitted
4.Nut the bricks in frustration.
5.Be honest to yourselves.
Usually I make 10 points on the "How To" blogs, but I reckon that five is enough in this circumstance. Must go now - I get one hour of exercise in here, and my head hurts.....
Thank you for reading.
15 comments
How To Beat Jedward 9/10/10 11:06 AM
It cannot have escaped global notice that this year (or was it last year? Whatever, it seems like an eternity) a new phenomenon has seeped into the collective consciousness as a result of the cultural castle that is "Britain's Got Talent". May have been "X Factor", not sure.
This phenomenon is a singing/dancing formation - I use the term loosely - of twin Dork brothers who somehow have captured the hearts and minds of pre-pubescent kiddywinkies barely out of nappies. We are talking JEDWARD.
This pair simply epitomize the wretched of the more wretched, with their less than inane patter, crappy Oirish patois and a singular inability to either co-ordinate feet or vocal chords. Their height is enhanced by the worst hair-do's of all time (their dresser may have been the Number 1 fan of "Something About Mary") and their parents should be truly ashamed and embarrassed.
A small note here regarding the irish - lots of my friends are irish, and I dissassociate myself from this pair of twollops alone.
So...here they are - my suggestions for beating the less than dynamic duo. Feel free to add your own.
1. Enter two warbling cats into a TV talent show
2. Enter Douglas Bader into "Strictly Come Dancing", supported by JW
3. Enter Jedward into "Strictly Come Dancing" with Heather Mills as a partner
4. Have "Jake The Peg" challenge Jedward to a Tango, Live on air
5. Ban all substances (organic or otherwise) which can stiffen the follicles
6. Ask the wonderboys to pee in the corner of a barrel (this should keep them occupied for hours)
7. Play a game of Snakes and Ladders with them - but turn the board upside down
8. Tie their shoelaces together
9. Enter them into The Eurovision Song Contest, perfomring a short medley of songs by The Three Tenors.... with a dance routine as appropriate
10. Oh bugger it - just whack their empty heads with thick sticks of rhubarb
So there it is - my guide to beating Jedward. Add at your leisure.
Thank you for reading.
6 comments
How To Revive A Dying Blog 8/14/10 10:28 AM
A few weeks back I decided that I wasn't going to do the "How To" thing anymore. To a large degree I have steered clear of the blogs, because a) they have become a tad..... tedious, and b) because I usually stick my foot in my mouth and say something which ends up in personal disaster (like being incarcerated).
However, having had the steeely iron in my rotting bones to avoid getting involved in The Invasion Of Bloggy Snatchers rubbish last night -and after all, it Was Friday 13 - I have thought of a way to relieve all tedium and angst.
So...here is my suggestion.
Think of a songfilmprogramme title which you feel would apply to all things King.com
Unlike my other blogs I am not going to give 10 starters for you. My first title is up there.Feel free to add your own - but remember....in Kingspace, no-one will hear you scream......
Thank you for reading this.
However, having had the steeely iron in my rotting bones to avoid getting involved in The Invasion Of Bloggy Snatchers rubbish last night -and after all, it Was Friday 13 - I have thought of a way to relieve all tedium and angst.
So...here is my suggestion.
Think of a songfilmprogramme title which you feel would apply to all things King.com
Unlike my other blogs I am not going to give 10 starters for you. My first title is up there.Feel free to add your own - but remember....in Kingspace, no-one will hear you scream......
Thank you for reading this.
17 comments
How To Beat Argentina 7/4/10 12:27 PM
Once upon a time there was this little runt...... or perhaps i should say mongrel.... who was rather good at knockiing a ball about on a large area of grass. This is known as a football pitch. This person grew up to play for his country in light blue and white stripes and black shorts. Yes, you have guessed - Maradonna was his name. He is now the "coach" of his national side. This drug-addled cheating dwarf once sent England home by punching the football into the net (note the emphasis on FOOTball)). Here is my guide to whacking the Argies at their own game.
1. Put eleven Germans on the pitch.
2. Score four goals without reply.
3. Sink their team bus.
4. Give Maradonna's name and address to the Colombian Cartel.
5. Get the referee to snort all his coke.
6. Tell the Argies that diving is something usually done in an Olympic Swimming Pool.
7. Don't pick players with names such as Ponce or Messy.
8. Turn up at the stadium.
9. Smirk at aforementioned coach at every opportunity.
10. Annihilate the whingeing b***ds
This is how it is done.....whoops - it already has been ! Yesterday in fact.Twas my privelege to watch their total demolition and demise. Now let's see the Sons of the Fatherland strut some more funky football stuff. Hope this helps.
Thank you for reading.
1. Put eleven Germans on the pitch.
2. Score four goals without reply.
3. Sink their team bus.
4. Give Maradonna's name and address to the Colombian Cartel.
5. Get the referee to snort all his coke.
6. Tell the Argies that diving is something usually done in an Olympic Swimming Pool.
7. Don't pick players with names such as Ponce or Messy.
8. Turn up at the stadium.
9. Smirk at aforementioned coach at every opportunity.
10. Annihilate the whingeing b***ds
This is how it is done.....whoops - it already has been ! Yesterday in fact.Twas my privelege to watch their total demolition and demise. Now let's see the Sons of the Fatherland strut some more funky football stuff. Hope this helps.
Thank you for reading.
10 comments
How To Beat The Sound Of A Vulvuzela 6/15/10 2:03 PM
As you all are now more than aware, the season of six week madness and mayhem is upon us. It is the culmination of four years hard effort from many nations, and should be a celebration of men with great balls control. A riot of colour and culture. Instead, it is not. We switch on our TV's in anticipation of seeing our favourite teams striving their hardest to bring glory to their respective countries. And what do we get.... a constant drone, akin to bull wasps performing a perpetual mating dance in a nest built within a giant megaphone.
This is somehow wrong. For some this is part of the South Africa World Cup Experience ( not as good as The Jimi Hendrix Experience but that's just MY taste). For others, calls have been made to TV repair people with complaints about faulty buzzing sounds on the telly. So here it is (crescendo of cymbals, please).... my guide to silencing the venezuelas.
1. Spell the offending word correctly before tackling the problem.
2. Dip the mouthpieces in hot chilli powder.
3. Apply Superglue to the lips of anyone carrying one.
4. Stuff Gorgonzola down the offending end of the vizazuzulu .
5. Have your ears amputated.
6. Compulsory talent tests for all attending a match carrying one - if they can't play three separate notes then don't let 'em in.
7. Kidnap the suppliers (probably far too late).
8. Sing very loudly.
9. Release REAL wasps nests into the Stadium.
10. Syringe molten wax into the ears of those who want relief from these infernal objects.
Hope this helps. Any other ideas are most welcome, but PLEASE.... just whisper your suggestions. Wouldn't want to start the bees off.
Thank you for reading.
This is somehow wrong. For some this is part of the South Africa World Cup Experience ( not as good as The Jimi Hendrix Experience but that's just MY taste). For others, calls have been made to TV repair people with complaints about faulty buzzing sounds on the telly. So here it is (crescendo of cymbals, please).... my guide to silencing the venezuelas.
1. Spell the offending word correctly before tackling the problem.
2. Dip the mouthpieces in hot chilli powder.
3. Apply Superglue to the lips of anyone carrying one.
4. Stuff Gorgonzola down the offending end of the vizazuzulu .
5. Have your ears amputated.
6. Compulsory talent tests for all attending a match carrying one - if they can't play three separate notes then don't let 'em in.
7. Kidnap the suppliers (probably far too late).
8. Sing very loudly.
9. Release REAL wasps nests into the Stadium.
10. Syringe molten wax into the ears of those who want relief from these infernal objects.
Hope this helps. Any other ideas are most welcome, but PLEASE.... just whisper your suggestions. Wouldn't want to start the bees off.
Thank you for reading.
15 comments
How To Beat Every Other Team Playing In The World Cup. 6/2/10 5:45 PM
Yes, folks.that time has come around.... the time when most women decide to do piles more ironing and men either go out for "an hour or two" (which may turn into a full-blown day or two) or wallow in front of the telly, cussing at their team's lack of skill on the day. Oh, and drinking vast quantities of beer.
I have thought about the quandaries which face all managers of international teams and have come up with a failsafe approach to whacking the crap out of the opposition, whether big or small. Here is.... (National Anthems played at full volume through bad P.A. systems, please)...my guide to Winning The World Cup....
1. Score more goals than the other teams.
2. Ensure your players wear boots with sharpened studs (particularly useful if your team has a suspect defence).
3. Ensure that all referees have been selected from an oil dependant small country, thereby giving the West a guaranteed advantage.
4.Tie your opponent's bootlaces together.
5. At half times, spike the dressing room drinks with Elephant Tranquilisers. Or better still - laxatives..
6. Following on from the above, remove all toilets from the Stadium.
7. Reduce the size of the goalposts of the team of your choice by at least 30%
8. Declare a National Emergency in the homeland of the team you are playing against (only if being whupped). For example. if playing The Netherlands, announce that the Tulip crop has failed.
9.Have a mole posted at South African Passport Control - refuse entry to all the players who may pose a threat to your own team, on the basis that their passport photo looks like Borat (or post-op Michael Jackson)
10. Just play better.
There. Done. Remember, this will all be over in a matter of weeks. I personally will be reading The Beano and watching Rugby League, but don't let me detract from your enjoyment. Cheers, chaps and chappesses.....hold your flags high!!!!
Thank you for reading.
I have thought about the quandaries which face all managers of international teams and have come up with a failsafe approach to whacking the crap out of the opposition, whether big or small. Here is.... (National Anthems played at full volume through bad P.A. systems, please)...my guide to Winning The World Cup....
1. Score more goals than the other teams.
2. Ensure your players wear boots with sharpened studs (particularly useful if your team has a suspect defence).
3. Ensure that all referees have been selected from an oil dependant small country, thereby giving the West a guaranteed advantage.
4.Tie your opponent's bootlaces together.
5. At half times, spike the dressing room drinks with Elephant Tranquilisers. Or better still - laxatives..
6. Following on from the above, remove all toilets from the Stadium.
7. Reduce the size of the goalposts of the team of your choice by at least 30%
8. Declare a National Emergency in the homeland of the team you are playing against (only if being whupped). For example. if playing The Netherlands, announce that the Tulip crop has failed.
9.Have a mole posted at South African Passport Control - refuse entry to all the players who may pose a threat to your own team, on the basis that their passport photo looks like Borat (or post-op Michael Jackson)
10. Just play better.
There. Done. Remember, this will all be over in a matter of weeks. I personally will be reading The Beano and watching Rugby League, but don't let me detract from your enjoyment. Cheers, chaps and chappesses.....hold your flags high!!!!
Thank you for reading.
16 comments
How To Beat Vampires. 5/28/10 3:26 PM
Vampires are not to be confused with Lycanthropes. While both have yellow pointy teeth and very bad halitosis, Lycanthropes are hairy and have sticky up ears. Vampires are smooth yet dastardly. These are my tips for dealing with these creatures ( Everyone howl at the moon). Here is......my guide to beating vampires.
1. Instead of hot buttered toast, eat garlic bread for breakfast.
2. Always carry a sharpened stick in your back pocket.
3. Change your name to Rupert Van Helsing.
4. Never go on holiday to Whitby.
5. Wear a neck brace at all times.
6. Knit your bedroom curtains using wire wool, or disentangled Brillo Pads.
7. Be a perpetual insomniac.
8. Visit your doctor and ask for a prescription which makes you permanently anaemic.
9.Become a Jehovah's Witness.
10. Spray them with condensed Holy Water from the springs at Lourdes.
Hope this helps. Be careful out there, for it will soon be dark.......
Thank you for reading.
1. Instead of hot buttered toast, eat garlic bread for breakfast.
2. Always carry a sharpened stick in your back pocket.
3. Change your name to Rupert Van Helsing.
4. Never go on holiday to Whitby.
5. Wear a neck brace at all times.
6. Knit your bedroom curtains using wire wool, or disentangled Brillo Pads.
7. Be a perpetual insomniac.
8. Visit your doctor and ask for a prescription which makes you permanently anaemic.
9.Become a Jehovah's Witness.
10. Spray them with condensed Holy Water from the springs at Lourdes.
Hope this helps. Be careful out there, for it will soon be dark.......
Thank you for reading.
14 comments
How To Beat Being Sent To The Dungeon 5/27/10 5:07 PM
Hello everyone again. I decided to post this blog having recently experienced life underground yet again. Not that I didn't deserve it this time. Hey Ho.....even i can learn from mistakes. So... (National Anthems at full volume please)..... this is Papillon's guide to avoiding incarceration
1. Never post on the blogs.
2. If you DO post on the blogs, never use expletives or Anglo Saxon terms for male genitalia.
3.Never gloat about the person you may have just pioughed.
4.Plead temporary insanity to Fool andor support.
5.Beg forgiveness.
6. Change avatars to the same as the condemned culprit.
7.Remind the offending person that if heshe is allowed back that they will have to spend hours clearing their challenges.
8.Loosen the nuts on his computer chair so that he can't reach the keyboard to type his words of wisdom.
9. Actually think before posting and inserting foot in mouth.
10. Shoot the perpetrator.
Hope this helps. Truly, this particular offender was out of order (I WILL learn me some manners).
Thank you for reading.
1. Never post on the blogs.
2. If you DO post on the blogs, never use expletives or Anglo Saxon terms for male genitalia.
3.Never gloat about the person you may have just pioughed.
4.Plead temporary insanity to Fool andor support.
5.Beg forgiveness.
6. Change avatars to the same as the condemned culprit.
7.Remind the offending person that if heshe is allowed back that they will have to spend hours clearing their challenges.
8.Loosen the nuts on his computer chair so that he can't reach the keyboard to type his words of wisdom.
9. Actually think before posting and inserting foot in mouth.
10. Shoot the perpetrator.
Hope this helps. Truly, this particular offender was out of order (I WILL learn me some manners).
Thank you for reading.
18 comments
How To Beat Trishelle At Twist Me Silly 5/21/10 3:32 PM
Ah, Trishelle (or Shiteller as she was once cruelly christened)... We are all aware that she has won every award known to King, and is "The Old Lady " of the site. A little bird told me that she is a dab hand at Twist Me Silly, crushing all in her path in this riveting game, so here it is (Roar Of Lions Please)...... HOW TO BEAT TRISHELLE....
1.Make the game grids revolve.
2.Pull THAT bonnet down over her eyes.
3.Ban the eating of 'Smores during gameplay.
4.Make death threats against her "puppups" if you are losing.
5.Suggest she plays wearing oven gloves or mittens.
6.Use the chat facility during gameplay - tell her that the prize at stake is a date with Kongsan.
7.Inform her that as a health and safety issue, the use of ice skates is now the subject of a worldwide ban. This should induce an apoplectic fit.
8. With strategically placed explosives, set off that 2nd Icelandic volcano as she is on another transatlantic jaunt.
9.Steal her cigarettes and replace them with spliffs.
10.Smother her with fluffy pillows.
Hope this helps. Any more for any (s)more(s) ?
Thank you for reading.
1.Make the game grids revolve.
2.Pull THAT bonnet down over her eyes.
3.Ban the eating of 'Smores during gameplay.
4.Make death threats against her "puppups" if you are losing.
5.Suggest she plays wearing oven gloves or mittens.
6.Use the chat facility during gameplay - tell her that the prize at stake is a date with Kongsan.
7.Inform her that as a health and safety issue, the use of ice skates is now the subject of a worldwide ban. This should induce an apoplectic fit.
8. With strategically placed explosives, set off that 2nd Icelandic volcano as she is on another transatlantic jaunt.
9.Steal her cigarettes and replace them with spliffs.
10.Smother her with fluffy pillows.
Hope this helps. Any more for any (s)more(s) ?
Thank you for reading.
15 comments
How To Beat Torsthom To The Top Of The Left List 5/20/10 4:43 PM
Howdydoody everyone. This one is tricky, as Mr. T is the most visited member on the site. Nontheless, I believe that there are ways of keeping him off that top spot. Choir Of Angels, please, for here IS the guide to dislodging our Teutonic chum.....
1.Grow a larger moustache
2.Dress up in retro clothes, take pics and put 'em in your album.
3.Visit every person who has ever visited this site.
4.Send messages to all of them, wishing them "good luck in all of your games".
5.Tell everyone that your relationship has just disintegrated.
6. Complain at length about how unfair the VIP system is.
7.Start a petition on the main blogs for 3oma, nominating her for The Nobel Nice Prize.
8. Tell everyone how much you love animals.
9.Post naked photos of your grandparents.
10. Regarding the above, please don't.
There are more ways than three to skin a cat. Other suggestions for the "How To Beat....." addition may be welcomed or tossed in the bin.
Thank you for reading.
1.Grow a larger moustache
2.Dress up in retro clothes, take pics and put 'em in your album.
3.Visit every person who has ever visited this site.
4.Send messages to all of them, wishing them "good luck in all of your games".
5.Tell everyone that your relationship has just disintegrated.
6. Complain at length about how unfair the VIP system is.
7.Start a petition on the main blogs for 3oma, nominating her for The Nobel Nice Prize.
8. Tell everyone how much you love animals.
9.Post naked photos of your grandparents.
10. Regarding the above, please don't.
There are more ways than three to skin a cat. Other suggestions for the "How To Beat....." addition may be welcomed or tossed in the bin.
Thank you for reading.
8 comments
How To Beat Magic Dan At Jungle Bubble 5/20/10 1:50 PM
We have heard of Magic Dan's prowess at a word game. I understand that he is equally adept at pointing a blow pipe at round things, but fear not, for here is my guide to whacking Dan at his own Southern Hemisphere favourite sport. Chorus of Trumpets please, for HERE IT IS..... HOW TO BEAT DAN.
1. Alert the bubble custodians.
2. Bend his pipe.
3.Invoke the wrath of The Bubble Gods should Danmerch enter challenges.Again, this can be done by harnessing the power of the collective Bubble Playing wills. Wish him evil and he will begone.
4.Pop all the bubbles with a sharp object (for example, a knitting needle) as soon as the game begins.
5. Sit a chicken on 'em for protection.
6. Tell Dan that every third bubble popped will release deadly gas in a small country.
7. Inject bubbles with concrete so the buggers won't burst anyway.
8.Attach Velcro to the sides which have been cleared, so he can't do angle shots.
9. Have some technological genius remove all colour from his PC screen - that should REALLY do the trick.
10. Boil him in oil.
Hope this helps. Any more tips for dealing with tyrants?
Thank you for reading.
1. Alert the bubble custodians.
2. Bend his pipe.
3.Invoke the wrath of The Bubble Gods should Danmerch enter challenges.Again, this can be done by harnessing the power of the collective Bubble Playing wills. Wish him evil and he will begone.
4.Pop all the bubbles with a sharp object (for example, a knitting needle) as soon as the game begins.
5. Sit a chicken on 'em for protection.
6. Tell Dan that every third bubble popped will release deadly gas in a small country.
7. Inject bubbles with concrete so the buggers won't burst anyway.
8.Attach Velcro to the sides which have been cleared, so he can't do angle shots.
9. Have some technological genius remove all colour from his PC screen - that should REALLY do the trick.
10. Boil him in oil.
Hope this helps. Any more tips for dealing with tyrants?
Thank you for reading.
9 comments
How To Beat Magic Dan At Keyword 5/20/10 12:22 PM
OK, so Mr. Merch is a tyrant at the above-mentioned game. He regularly whups my (and everyone else's) arse at this, in a metaphorical way you understand. So, I have come up with several ideas of getting our own backs on this denizen of the dictionary, so here goes...... this IS (Fanfare, please).....WAYS TO BEAT DAN
1. Accept a challenge..... play the game and then check the scores. If his score is better, then challenge again and find bigger and better words
2.Place an effective virus into all the most effective dictionary sites on the web. This may slow him down.
3.Make big words up - this is random, but you might get lucky.
4.Offer him money and caskets of jewels for throwing a game.
5.Cut the cables to his Modem (or whatever he uses).
6.If he ever says "Hello" or tries to be friendly, don't believe it - he is delving into your psyche. Report him to abuse.
7.Get in touch with all your keyword playing friends who have telepathic abilities.... with the power of group minds we can bring this tyrant down.
8.Avoid using only three letter words in a game (cos you'll never get the bonus round.
9.Break into his house and rearrange the keys on his keyboard.Then remove all lighting so that he has to play in the dark.
10. Stab him.
Hope this helps. Anyone looking for tips to deal with other tyrants?
Thank you for reading.
1. Accept a challenge..... play the game and then check the scores. If his score is better, then challenge again and find bigger and better words
2.Place an effective virus into all the most effective dictionary sites on the web. This may slow him down.
3.Make big words up - this is random, but you might get lucky.
4.Offer him money and caskets of jewels for throwing a game.
5.Cut the cables to his Modem (or whatever he uses).
6.If he ever says "Hello" or tries to be friendly, don't believe it - he is delving into your psyche. Report him to abuse.
7.Get in touch with all your keyword playing friends who have telepathic abilities.... with the power of group minds we can bring this tyrant down.
8.Avoid using only three letter words in a game (cos you'll never get the bonus round.
9.Break into his house and rearrange the keys on his keyboard.Then remove all lighting so that he has to play in the dark.
10. Stab him.
Hope this helps. Anyone looking for tips to deal with other tyrants?
Thank you for reading.
9 comments
Balroc Uncovered 5/7/10 4:56 PM
OK, so there have been many people lurking around the blogs with drool dripping from one side of the mouth, dying to know what lurks neath the rancid Balroc bandages.
Even before, questions have been posed as to what Balroc might actually do for a living...... I can only disclose that he has a part-time job in a seedy Cairo night club, cavorting before audiences of Sheiks and Camel Rustlers in search of homoerotic cheap thrills.
By a quirk of fate I have acquired rare video footage of Bal strutting his funky stuff before whipping his kit off...... get the box of tissues out before viewing.......
SOOOOO......... here it is......
http:www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmlwNrA7RfY
Sincerely Yours, Bruce.
11 comments
In Anticipation Of Easter 3/21/10 8:26 AM
Sunday can be quite boring. A day on which one can stare at flowery wallpaper for hours on end, pondering on the rich painted tapestry that represents our lives. So for once I decided to be more constructive, and revisit that age old question.... which came first, the egg or the hen.
Aside from that last phrase being the title of a rather spiffing song on Ry Cooder's "Bop Til You Drop" album, the chicken/egg quandary is of significance. This is simply because no-one knows the right answer.
Do chickens necks stretch far enough to look up their own bottoms to see those oval torpedoes which are soon to land on our breakfast plates? Or, is there some miniature pre-formed chukkie sitting in its cockpit (sorry about that - poetic licence) waiting to be launched from a Chicken Arse to the safe haven of a Chicken Nest?
A chicken's life is filled with uncertainty, which is a topic I need to avoid. Bunnies and chocolate. That's more about the spirit of Easter.... apart from some bloke rising from the grave.
What have rabbits got in common with eggs?
Buggered if I know.....
my mate Bruce is available to take qestions.....
Aside from that last phrase being the title of a rather spiffing song on Ry Cooder's "Bop Til You Drop" album, the chicken/egg quandary is of significance. This is simply because no-one knows the right answer.
Do chickens necks stretch far enough to look up their own bottoms to see those oval torpedoes which are soon to land on our breakfast plates? Or, is there some miniature pre-formed chukkie sitting in its cockpit (sorry about that - poetic licence) waiting to be launched from a Chicken Arse to the safe haven of a Chicken Nest?
A chicken's life is filled with uncertainty, which is a topic I need to avoid. Bunnies and chocolate. That's more about the spirit of Easter.... apart from some bloke rising from the grave.
What have rabbits got in common with eggs?
Buggered if I know.....
my mate Bruce is available to take qestions.....
17 comments
Innocent Esmeralda - A Valentine's Day story 2/13/10 6:24 AM
Esmeralda was born of Romany stock, of travelling folk. A gypsy. On her sixteenth birthday, as is Romany custom, she became eligible for marriage. Esmeralda was fair of face and figure, with a smile to melt the coldest of hearts. Soon she was the talk of the menfolk, and many came to seek her hand.
One in particular caught her heart, a man renowned throughout the gypsy community. A man of substance, means and standing. More than twice Esmerallda's age, he was blessed with a rugged handsomeness and a line in patter which could charm the birds out of the trees. Indeed, Esmeralda was smitten. When he proposed wedlock she could hardly contain herself before accepting.
Esmeralda knew little of the ways of the world, for she was pure of heart and virginal, so as is the Romany tradition, on the eve of the wedding, she sat down with her mother to talk about the birds and the bees. Rose chose her words carefully, as she did not want to alarm her precious daughter.
"My dearest Esmeralda, tomorrow is a day to rejoice, for two great families will be joined forever. The day is for us all, but the night will belong to you. I know you know little about the needs and desires of a man, but he will want to put his most treasured possession into the place where you wee".
Esmeralda slowly pondered over this before replying.....
"Mother, don't be so silly - he'll never get his transit van into the sink !".
(ah, the untainted flower of youth).
One in particular caught her heart, a man renowned throughout the gypsy community. A man of substance, means and standing. More than twice Esmerallda's age, he was blessed with a rugged handsomeness and a line in patter which could charm the birds out of the trees. Indeed, Esmeralda was smitten. When he proposed wedlock she could hardly contain herself before accepting.
Esmeralda knew little of the ways of the world, for she was pure of heart and virginal, so as is the Romany tradition, on the eve of the wedding, she sat down with her mother to talk about the birds and the bees. Rose chose her words carefully, as she did not want to alarm her precious daughter.
"My dearest Esmeralda, tomorrow is a day to rejoice, for two great families will be joined forever. The day is for us all, but the night will belong to you. I know you know little about the needs and desires of a man, but he will want to put his most treasured possession into the place where you wee".
Esmeralda slowly pondered over this before replying.....
"Mother, don't be so silly - he'll never get his transit van into the sink !".
(ah, the untainted flower of youth).
11 comments
My Choices For The Best Of The Last Year Of The Decade 12/19/09 7:46 AM
Well, the ones I have got most enjoyment out of anyway (some are quite old). I just thought you might enjoy some of these.
1. Matt Harding. I still watch this at least once a day - it's better than the best medicine. http:www.youtube.comwatch?v=zlfKdbWwruY
2.Evian Babies - not the short commercial but a full-blown mega dance sequence. http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=FnjMOVPZ4H8
3. JK Wedding Dance - if this isn't inspiring I don't know what is. http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
4. Extreme Sheep Herding - only in Wales !!! (God help the stray when the lights went out). http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=D2FX9rviEhw
5. Shawn Phillips. "L" Ballad - Probably the most beautiful song I have ever heard. No live footage, just the song. http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=sAUCrJO-43A
6. Angry Bob - how this fool gets any of this revolting specimen down his neck is beyond me. http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=PUm0kssk_V4
7. Brokeback Mountain a la Hogwarts -.just for the Ppotter fans amongst you (there's a trekky one as well). http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=PmtP5AzppO4
8. Tim Minchin - "The Dark Side". Second musical interlude....this man is a musical and comedy genius. http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=OrmOTkcfZgA
9. Peter Kay - typically North West England (YAYYYY !!!) . Can you spot tones of Susan Boyle in this? http:/www.youtube.com/watch?v=449bHctCjiw
10. Add your own !!!!!
God bless, and all who sail in you !!!!!! ;o)
1. Matt Harding. I still watch this at least once a day - it's better than the best medicine. http:www.youtube.comwatch?v=zlfKdbWwruY
2.Evian Babies - not the short commercial but a full-blown mega dance sequence. http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=FnjMOVPZ4H8
3. JK Wedding Dance - if this isn't inspiring I don't know what is. http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
4. Extreme Sheep Herding - only in Wales !!! (God help the stray when the lights went out). http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=D2FX9rviEhw
5. Shawn Phillips. "L" Ballad - Probably the most beautiful song I have ever heard. No live footage, just the song. http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=sAUCrJO-43A
6. Angry Bob - how this fool gets any of this revolting specimen down his neck is beyond me. http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=PUm0kssk_V4
7. Brokeback Mountain a la Hogwarts -.just for the Ppotter fans amongst you (there's a trekky one as well). http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=PmtP5AzppO4
8. Tim Minchin - "The Dark Side". Second musical interlude....this man is a musical and comedy genius. http:/www.youtube.comwatch?v=OrmOTkcfZgA
9. Peter Kay - typically North West England (YAYYYY !!!) . Can you spot tones of Susan Boyle in this? http:/www.youtube.com/watch?v=449bHctCjiw
10. Add your own !!!!!
God bless, and all who sail in you !!!!!! ;o)
5 comments
Calling All You Christmas shoppers 12/11/09 11:55 AM
As we all know, Yuletide is a time for giving....and receiving. It's a time of Good Cheer, a time to make peace with those we have upset or have been upset by. The very air that we breathe is thick with optimism for the year to come. That is why we must choose our gifts carefully, with no malice aforethought.
That is why I would think twice before wrapping some of THESE rascals up....
1. The Edward Scissorhands Unsightly Hair Remover (made to make your eyes water. NEVER attach this to a car battery before use).
2. Karen Carpenter's Guide To Healthy Eating (well, it worked for HER, didn't it?).
3. Pairs of socks for one - legged men (funnily enough, these could be two presents for the price of one).
4. Memory sticks for Alzheimer sufferers (they'll forget where they put them).
5. A boxed set of every series of "The Wire" (assuming that the intended recipient is a drug dealing friend of yours).
6. Donations to Donkey Sanctuaries (Blackpool Beach needs all the donkies it can get - after all, they ARE beasts of burden).
7. Statues of "Sporting Jesus" ( here's the link....be afraid. www.catholicshopper.com)
8. "Guess The Weight Of Jordan's Breasts" (this is a tactile game, not to be let loose upon children. Scales incuded).
9. The Hannibal Lecter Recipe Book (for those who can't even handle basic everyday dishes)
10. As per usual, this one is down to you lot. For the most inventive there is a special Xmas prize of a fond thought from me for a fleeting second.
Festive greetings to you all. ;o)
That is why I would think twice before wrapping some of THESE rascals up....
1. The Edward Scissorhands Unsightly Hair Remover (made to make your eyes water. NEVER attach this to a car battery before use).
2. Karen Carpenter's Guide To Healthy Eating (well, it worked for HER, didn't it?).
3. Pairs of socks for one - legged men (funnily enough, these could be two presents for the price of one).
4. Memory sticks for Alzheimer sufferers (they'll forget where they put them).
5. A boxed set of every series of "The Wire" (assuming that the intended recipient is a drug dealing friend of yours).
6. Donations to Donkey Sanctuaries (Blackpool Beach needs all the donkies it can get - after all, they ARE beasts of burden).
7. Statues of "Sporting Jesus" ( here's the link....be afraid. www.catholicshopper.com)
8. "Guess The Weight Of Jordan's Breasts" (this is a tactile game, not to be let loose upon children. Scales incuded).
9. The Hannibal Lecter Recipe Book (for those who can't even handle basic everyday dishes)
10. As per usual, this one is down to you lot. For the most inventive there is a special Xmas prize of a fond thought from me for a fleeting second.
Festive greetings to you all. ;o)
9 comments
Les Jeux Olympique 12/4/09 2:16 PM
Here are some of the lesser known sports that don't quite make it to the medals board in the aforementioned games. Some you should never try at home....others you should never try anywhere.
Sport #1. Man v.s. Horse
If you thought the sport had anything to do with strength, then you’re wrong. The annual Man Versus Horse Marathon requires stamina and agility. Taking place in the Welsh town of Llanwrtyd Wells, the marathon puts human contestants up against mounted horse contestants.For a less strenuous version Welsh men prefer chasing sheep.
The event started in 1980, when a landlord decided to hold the event after hearing two men arguing about whether or not an individual could beat a horse in a cross country race. Or catch a sheep in the dark. Where no one can see.
Sport #2. Desperados
First introduced in Finland, wife carrying is an actual sport where male competitors race while carrying a female teammate. The objective is for the male to carry the female through a special obstacle course in the fastest time.The wife's hair should not be displaced by the barbed wire obstacle. Major competitions are held in Sonkajarvi, Finland, Monona, Wisconsin and in Marquette, Michigan. I'll pass on this one.Most wives are fat.
Sport #3. Deleted - too gross.
Sport #4. Bunion Swapping
A popular activity for children, toe wrestling is now a competitive sport. World Toe Wrestling first started in Derbyshire, UK in 1976. Locals thought it would be a great idea to hold a competition where individuals lock toes together and force their opponent’s foot to the ground. The organizers applied in 1997 to get the sport included in the Olympics, but unfortunately, it was not accepted.The Health and Safety Executive banned this one as a large number of children subsequently contracted Foot and Mouth Disease after biting their toenails.
Sport #5. Elbow Licking.
Previously featured in a recent Fool's blog, there has never been a world champion in this sport as no-one as yet has achieved this particular goal.So, my advice would be this.....unless you have a tongue as long as John Holmes' penis, don't even try it.
Sport #6. Extreme Bungee Jumping. This is for the daredevils amongst you. It's similar to ordinary Bungee Jumping but with this exciting twist - the rope has to be one foot longer than the distance to the ground. Helmets and heavy duty pain killers are recommended (as is making out a last will and testament before partaking).
Sport #7. Blindfold Darts. The risks here should be obvious. This is a non-spectator sport unless there are screens between the throwers and the audience. The dartboard should be at least the size of the clockface on Big Ben.For added excitement try this one while wearing mittens.
Sport #8. Shin Kicking. Shin Kicking is part of the Cotswold Games, a four hundred year-old tournament that claims to be the oldest Olympiad in the world, and, because of the absence of synchronised swimming, it may also have a valid claim to be the best.There's rarely a sport more perfectly summed up by its name. Shin Kicking is a contest between two fighters as to who can knock the other down by the simple, honest method of kicking the shit out of one another's shins. Just don't pick your Granny as an opponent - Grannies have thick calves
Sport #9. Ferret Legging. Now who of right mind would try this? Would you as a red blooded male stuff a rabid sabre toothed rodent down the front of your trollies to see how long you could last before "discomfort" sets in? Apparently Yorkshire people regard this as a national pastime. Personally the thought makes my eyes water.
" Imagine, if you can, standing in a barn in a small village on the moors of North Yorkshire, in England. In the barn, there are a lot of dour looking Gentlemen standing around you, glowering, drinking ale and smoking pipes. Oh yeah, you're shirtless, and your trousers are securely tied around your ankles. There's a fellow in front of you holding two ferrets. These two small, carnivorous, weasel-like beasts with sharp claws and teeth are squirming, and they look both pissed off and really, really hungry.
Then, the fellow with the ferrets gives you the nod. You pull your trousers out, and he throws the ferrets in, pulling your belt tight afterwards" Ouch.
Sport #10. This one is down to you lot - add your suggestions.
Sport #1. Man v.s. Horse
If you thought the sport had anything to do with strength, then you’re wrong. The annual Man Versus Horse Marathon requires stamina and agility. Taking place in the Welsh town of Llanwrtyd Wells, the marathon puts human contestants up against mounted horse contestants.For a less strenuous version Welsh men prefer chasing sheep.
The event started in 1980, when a landlord decided to hold the event after hearing two men arguing about whether or not an individual could beat a horse in a cross country race. Or catch a sheep in the dark. Where no one can see.
Sport #2. Desperados
First introduced in Finland, wife carrying is an actual sport where male competitors race while carrying a female teammate. The objective is for the male to carry the female through a special obstacle course in the fastest time.The wife's hair should not be displaced by the barbed wire obstacle. Major competitions are held in Sonkajarvi, Finland, Monona, Wisconsin and in Marquette, Michigan. I'll pass on this one.Most wives are fat.
Sport #3. Deleted - too gross.
Sport #4. Bunion Swapping
A popular activity for children, toe wrestling is now a competitive sport. World Toe Wrestling first started in Derbyshire, UK in 1976. Locals thought it would be a great idea to hold a competition where individuals lock toes together and force their opponent’s foot to the ground. The organizers applied in 1997 to get the sport included in the Olympics, but unfortunately, it was not accepted.The Health and Safety Executive banned this one as a large number of children subsequently contracted Foot and Mouth Disease after biting their toenails.
Sport #5. Elbow Licking.
Previously featured in a recent Fool's blog, there has never been a world champion in this sport as no-one as yet has achieved this particular goal.So, my advice would be this.....unless you have a tongue as long as John Holmes' penis, don't even try it.
Sport #6. Extreme Bungee Jumping. This is for the daredevils amongst you. It's similar to ordinary Bungee Jumping but with this exciting twist - the rope has to be one foot longer than the distance to the ground. Helmets and heavy duty pain killers are recommended (as is making out a last will and testament before partaking).
Sport #7. Blindfold Darts. The risks here should be obvious. This is a non-spectator sport unless there are screens between the throwers and the audience. The dartboard should be at least the size of the clockface on Big Ben.For added excitement try this one while wearing mittens.
Sport #8. Shin Kicking. Shin Kicking is part of the Cotswold Games, a four hundred year-old tournament that claims to be the oldest Olympiad in the world, and, because of the absence of synchronised swimming, it may also have a valid claim to be the best.There's rarely a sport more perfectly summed up by its name. Shin Kicking is a contest between two fighters as to who can knock the other down by the simple, honest method of kicking the shit out of one another's shins. Just don't pick your Granny as an opponent - Grannies have thick calves
Sport #9. Ferret Legging. Now who of right mind would try this? Would you as a red blooded male stuff a rabid sabre toothed rodent down the front of your trollies to see how long you could last before "discomfort" sets in? Apparently Yorkshire people regard this as a national pastime. Personally the thought makes my eyes water.
" Imagine, if you can, standing in a barn in a small village on the moors of North Yorkshire, in England. In the barn, there are a lot of dour looking Gentlemen standing around you, glowering, drinking ale and smoking pipes. Oh yeah, you're shirtless, and your trousers are securely tied around your ankles. There's a fellow in front of you holding two ferrets. These two small, carnivorous, weasel-like beasts with sharp claws and teeth are squirming, and they look both pissed off and really, really hungry.
Then, the fellow with the ferrets gives you the nod. You pull your trousers out, and he throws the ferrets in, pulling your belt tight afterwards" Ouch.
Sport #10. This one is down to you lot - add your suggestions.
10 comments
Nothing smart, nothing funny.... 11/5/09 1:59 PM
Just drawing people's attention to a VERY small sample of someone's artwork. Only got eight pics in my album but I reckon they are worth a look. The artist is a member on here but wishes to remain anonymous!
10 comments
People we would like to see as targets on Carnival Shootout 5/8/09 11:34 AM
This one should be fun !!!!!
1. George W. Bush
2. Miss Piggy
3. The Chief Exec at King
4. Gwyneth Paltry (sorry, Paltrow)
5. That kid out of The Sixth Sense
6. Boris Johnson
7. The man who devised Big Brother
8. David Blaine
9. Sooty
10. All of The Wombles
They are my choices, which may be changed at short notice (without me telling you). That seems pretty apt on here !
1. George W. Bush
2. Miss Piggy
3. The Chief Exec at King
4. Gwyneth Paltry (sorry, Paltrow)
5. That kid out of The Sixth Sense
6. Boris Johnson
7. The man who devised Big Brother
8. David Blaine
9. Sooty
10. All of The Wombles
They are my choices, which may be changed at short notice (without me telling you). That seems pretty apt on here !
9 comments
The Deadly Presibendo 4/17/09 1:14 PM
Years ago, before the days of WWF, wrestling was not the circus that it has since become. It was a serious battle between large men, a meeting of body and mind...a fight for supremacy. This harks back to Greek times, when men were men and sheep were afraid.
Long ago, in my youth, we watched wrestling on ITV (black and white in those days). In the 60's the prevailing world heavyweight was this huge pot-bellied Russian who had never lost a single bout....his speciality was a hold called The Deadly Presibendo, a hold so devastating that few survived intact, usually never to enter the ring again.
That was until a previous opponent trained his son up to tackle him... this man taught his son every move to avoid The Deadly Presibendo, and by hard work and virtue the lad worked his way up the ranks until he was ready to challenge for the prestigious world title.
So...he get's a shot. The big night arrives and the bout begins....for the first three rounds our lad holds his own, dodging and weaving....but in the fourth, the Russian catches him with The Deadly Presibendo.
His father watches from the sidelines, crying... no-one has broken this hold...then all of a sudden, a mighty scream is heard, the Russian is thrown off, and lands unconscious on the ring floor. Our lad has won !!!!! The joy engulfs the auditorium ! The Brit is king !
Dad embraces his son, the new World Champ.... "Son....you've done it ! But how did you get out of The Deadly Presibendo/ The most feared hold ever?"
Son replies...."Well Dad, I did OK for three rounds, then he caught me in The Deadly Presibendo....the pain was excruciating....there was blood and snot running down my nose and i couldn't open my eyes.... when I DID manage to open them. all I could see was a pair of bollocks dangling in front of me, so I bit them as hard as I could.....
...and there is nothing like biting your own bollocks to give you strength !!!"
(see photo of fearsome hold)
Long ago, in my youth, we watched wrestling on ITV (black and white in those days). In the 60's the prevailing world heavyweight was this huge pot-bellied Russian who had never lost a single bout....his speciality was a hold called The Deadly Presibendo, a hold so devastating that few survived intact, usually never to enter the ring again.
That was until a previous opponent trained his son up to tackle him... this man taught his son every move to avoid The Deadly Presibendo, and by hard work and virtue the lad worked his way up the ranks until he was ready to challenge for the prestigious world title.
So...he get's a shot. The big night arrives and the bout begins....for the first three rounds our lad holds his own, dodging and weaving....but in the fourth, the Russian catches him with The Deadly Presibendo.
His father watches from the sidelines, crying... no-one has broken this hold...then all of a sudden, a mighty scream is heard, the Russian is thrown off, and lands unconscious on the ring floor. Our lad has won !!!!! The joy engulfs the auditorium ! The Brit is king !
Dad embraces his son, the new World Champ.... "Son....you've done it ! But how did you get out of The Deadly Presibendo/ The most feared hold ever?"
Son replies...."Well Dad, I did OK for three rounds, then he caught me in The Deadly Presibendo....the pain was excruciating....there was blood and snot running down my nose and i couldn't open my eyes.... when I DID manage to open them. all I could see was a pair of bollocks dangling in front of me, so I bit them as hard as I could.....
...and there is nothing like biting your own bollocks to give you strength !!!"
(see photo of fearsome hold)
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