New Friend Request
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Farts 10/2/12 12:38 PM
Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I
never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough
power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third
date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If
God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His
plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).
It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I
was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On
our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him.
Things were looking real good.
He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me
over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent
most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to
frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year
old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.
We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t
allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I
ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob
surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me
eyeing. Was this love?
That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways –
uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like
dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I
suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.
On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots
of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it
felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I
realized …
My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble.
Big trouble.
The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach
and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat,
gripping on to my door and the dashboard.
“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to
say through gritted teeth.
“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re
writhing in pain is because you have to fart?
Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am
with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked
out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it’s way through
the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I
sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got
away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a
cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “am I smelling something?”
sort of way. More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk
and am I in hell?” sort of way.
Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I
literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).
“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!”
“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …” then it hit
him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water
started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN
TASTE IT!” he screamed.
“Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood
out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was
being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic,
kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.
It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire.
We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.
Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our
windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to
be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then
sorta wished I was dead.
We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting
pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in
an urgent, explosive kind of way.
He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had
already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love
the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the
cops.
I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was
finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER,
hear coming from another person.
Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.
“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open.
Where do you want me to put them?”
“Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.
“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
toot *toot splatter ungodly noise*
“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”
“Okay, are you sure you’re …”
“I’m fine! Get away from the door!”
This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!
Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away.
I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was
possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your
fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.
But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re
married and he’s laying on the couch while I type this … “It was your
rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.
Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.9 comments -
Thank You! 6/2/12 10:59 PM
Thank you everyone for reminding me its my King Anniversary. WOW 5 years. I have met so many wonderful people from all over the world. Many of my relationships will last a life time. God Bless You All! BIG HUGSSSSSS!!4 comments -
"A Baby's Hug" 12/29/11 5:14 PM
We were the only family with children in the restaurant. I sat Erik in a high chair and noticed everyone was quietly sitting and talking. Suddenly,Erik squealed with glee and said, 'Hi.' He pounded his fat baby hands onthe high chair tray. His eyes were crinkled in laughter and his mouth was bared in a toothless grin, as he wriggled and giggled with merriment.
I looked around and saw the source of his merriment. It was a man whose pants were baggy with a zipper at half-mast and his toes poked out of would-be shoes. His shirt was dirty and his hair was uncombed and unwashed.
His whiskers were too short to be called a beard and his nose was so varicose it looked like a road map.
We were too far from him to smell, but I was sure he smelled.. His hands waved and flapped on loose wrists. 'Hi there, baby; hi there, big boy.. I see ya, buster,' the man said to Erik.
My husband and I exchanged looks, 'What do we do?'
Erik continued to laugh and answer, 'Hi.'
Everyone in the restaurant noticed and looked at us and then at the man.
The old geezer was creating a nuisance with my beautiful baby. Our meal came and the man began shouting from across the room, 'Do ya patty cake? Do you know peek-a-boo? Hey, look, he knows peek- a-boo.'
Nobody thought the old man was cute. He was obviously drunk.
My husband and I were embarrassed. We ate in silence; all except for Erik, who was running through his repertoire for the admiring skid-row bum, who in turn, reciprocated with his cute comments.
We finally got through the meal and headed for the door. My husband went to pay the check and told me to meet him in the parking lot. The old man sat poised between me and the door. 'Lord, just let me out of here before he speaks to me or Erik,' I prayed. As I drew closer to the man, I turned my back trying to sidestep him and avoid any air he might be breathing. As I
did, Erik leaned over my arm, reaching with both arms in a baby's
pick-me-up' position. Before I could stop him, Erik had propelled himself from my arms to the man.
Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young baby consummated their love and kinship. Erik in an act of total trust, love, and submission laid his tiny head upon the man's ragged shoulder. The man's eyes closed, and I saw tears hover beneath his lashes. His aged hands full of grime, pain, and hard labor, cradled my baby's bottom and stroked his back.
No two beings have ever loved so deeply for so short a time.
I stood awestruck. The old man rocked and cradled Erik in his arms and his eyes opened and set squarely on mine.
He said in a firm commanding voice, "You take care of this baby".
Somehow I managed, "I will", from a throat that contained a stone.
He Pried Erik from his chest, Lovingly and Longingly, as though HE were in pain.
I received my baby, and the man said, 'God bless you, ma'am, you've given me my Christmas Gift.'
I said nothing more than a muttered thanks. With Erik in my arms, I ran for the car.
My husband was wondering why I was crying and holding Erik so tightly, and why I was saying, "My God, my God, forgive me".
I had just witnessed Christ's love, shown through the innocence of a tiny child who saw no sin, who made no judgment; a child who saw a soul, and a mother who saw a suit of clothes.
I was a Christian who was blind, holding a child who was not.
I felt it was God asking, "Are you willing to share your son for a
moment"? when He shared His for all eternity.
How did God feel when he put his baby in our arms 2000 years ago?
The ragged old man, unwittingly, had reminded me,
'To enter the Kingdom of God , we must become as little children.'
If this has blessed you, please bless others by sending it on. The clothes on your back, or the car that you drive, or the house that you live in, does not define you at all.
It is how you treat your fellow man - that identifies Who You Are.
0 comments -
A woman and a Fork 9/10/11 5:04 AM
Woman and a Fork
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal
illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting
her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her
house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what
scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried
in.
Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave
when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to
her.
'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly..
'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.
'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to
be buried with a fork in my right hand.'
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite
what to say.
That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.
'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the
Pastor.
The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this
story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its
message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In
all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that
when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would
inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part
because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate
cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a
fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I
want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork ..the best is yet to come.'
The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the
young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he
would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman
had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what
heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much
experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket
and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right
hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the
fork?' And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the Pastor told the people of the
conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He
also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He
told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told
them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it
either.
He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let
it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are
a very rare jewel , indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to
succeed. Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share. Being
friends with someone is not an opportunity, but a sweet responsibility.
I'll bet this will be an Email they do remember, every time you pick up a fork!
And just remember...keep your fork!
The BEST is yet to come!
1 comments -
A Love Story! LOL 7/9/11 9:40 PM
Harlequin Novel, Updated.... 2011 Version:
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into
a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He
approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring
voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands
start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves,
slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a
slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt
his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he
cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my
shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man
not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he
wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
6 comments
Just for laughs 4/25/11 5:10 AM
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.
Send me back! Please!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a
chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster.
'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"BOB, wake up! You shit the bed!!!!!!!
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.
Send me back! Please!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a
chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster.
'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"BOB, wake up! You shit the bed!!!!!!!
7 comments
How To Start A Fight..... 9/17/10 8:31 PM
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
11 comments
So much Truth in this! 9/8/10 5:32 AM
Old Farmer's Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere
tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not
yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna
happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you
none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is
stop digging.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal
with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
Letting the cat out the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Old Farmer's Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere
tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not
yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna
happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you
none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is
stop digging.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal
with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
Letting the cat out the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Old Farmer's Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere
tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not
yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna
happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you
none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is
stop digging.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal
with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
Letting the cat out the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Old Farmer's Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere
tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not
yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna
happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you
none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is
stop digging.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal
with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
Letting the cat out the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere
tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not
yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna
happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you
none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is
stop digging.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal
with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
Letting the cat out the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Old Farmer's Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere
tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not
yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna
happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you
none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is
stop digging.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal
with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
Letting the cat out the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Old Farmer's Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere
tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not
yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna
happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you
none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is
stop digging.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal
with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
Letting the cat out the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Old Farmer's Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere
tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not
yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna
happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you
none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is
stop digging.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal
with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
Letting the cat out the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try ordering somebody else's dog around.
0 comments
3 Years in the kingdom! 6/2/10 8:57 PM
I can't believe I have been here for 3 years! The time has flew by. I have met so many great people on here that it would be impossible to name everyone.
Jim and MaLinda was the very 1st people I talk to on King and my 1st friends and to this day we still send birthday and Christmas cards to each other!! How awesome is that!
2nd was the famous Karl I think most people on here knew Karl!! He help me with some bullys on here and we became very good friends. I'm sad to say we did drift apart.
Next was my AWESOME Sis aka kickasssis aka shellylee. Girl you have help me with so much family drama and have always been there for me. I love u so much. We will always be family, I know your kids and what goes on in there life and I even know my Catiebug loves the color green LOL. I think of you every day!
Next I was introduced to Cath. This woman is amazing person! With her stories she writes she inspires me to be a better person.
Then Sis introduced me to this guy that I instantly fell in love with and I gave him the name "Pops"! I always wanted a Pops LOL! Pops you are amazing! I dont know what I would do without you.
I want to thank everyone for making my life better in hundreds of ways! I love you all!
Jim and MaLinda was the very 1st people I talk to on King and my 1st friends and to this day we still send birthday and Christmas cards to each other!! How awesome is that!
2nd was the famous Karl I think most people on here knew Karl!! He help me with some bullys on here and we became very good friends. I'm sad to say we did drift apart.
Next was my AWESOME Sis aka kickasssis aka shellylee. Girl you have help me with so much family drama and have always been there for me. I love u so much. We will always be family, I know your kids and what goes on in there life and I even know my Catiebug loves the color green LOL. I think of you every day!
Next I was introduced to Cath. This woman is amazing person! With her stories she writes she inspires me to be a better person.
Then Sis introduced me to this guy that I instantly fell in love with and I gave him the name "Pops"! I always wanted a Pops LOL! Pops you are amazing! I dont know what I would do without you.
I want to thank everyone for making my life better in hundreds of ways! I love you all!
5 comments
Time for a laugh!! 7/23/09 6:06 PM
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice
> in Antarctica - where do they go?
> Wonder no more!!!
>
> It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which >
lives an extremely
> ordered and complex life.
>
> The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as >
well as maintaining a form of
> compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
>
> If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
> members of the family and social circle have been known
> to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks,
> until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into
> and buried.
>
> The male penguins then gather in a circle
> around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow."
>
>> Then they kick him in the ice hole."
> in Antarctica - where do they go?
> Wonder no more!!!
>
> It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which >
lives an extremely
> ordered and complex life.
>
> The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as >
well as maintaining a form of
> compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
>
> If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
> members of the family and social circle have been known
> to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks,
> until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into
> and buried.
>
> The male penguins then gather in a circle
> around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow."
>
>> Then they kick him in the ice hole."
5 comments
You are the best! 7/9/09 4:29 PM
OH MY!! I can't believe the overwelming love I have gotten form so so many people (family) here on King with 100's of sweet messages and gifts! You guys are the best in my book!
Sis and Pops you guys are so sneaky LOL but I love you both with all my heart!
Thank you all for making my 26th wedding anniversary so special.
I
LOVE
YOU
ALL ♥
♥
♥
♥
Sis and Pops you guys are so sneaky LOL but I love you both with all my heart!
Thank you all for making my 26th wedding anniversary so special.
I
LOVE
YOU
ALL ♥
♥
♥
♥
2 comments
My Sis is home! 5/15/09 4:16 PM
I want to say thank you to all that said a prayer, sent a message or gift to my Sis Shellylee while she was in the hospital!!!!
We are so happy she is home!
I LOVE YOU SIS! Hope you like the flowers!
We are so happy she is home!
I LOVE YOU SIS! Hope you like the flowers!
1 comments
UPDATE 5/10/09 9:20 AM
I just got off the phone with Shell (Sis) She is in alot of pain and her oxygen level is low so she will not be coming home today because her lungs could colaps. They are also given Heprin injections (blood thinner) in her stomach to pervent blood clots.
She said she has only eaten jello (u know its green) LOL but at least thats a start!
Please keep her in your prayers!
shellylee aka kickasssis 5909 12:49 PM
I just got word from Shelly's daughter that she is in the hospital and has under went surgery to remove her galbladder. She went to the hospital in alot of pain and a very high fever. Her daughter Catie is to call me back after she gets to the hospital and learns more.
Please everyone keep her in your thoughts and prayers!
Shelly means the world to me. We might not be blood sisters but we are so close that she IS the sister I always wanted in my life! I LOVE U SIS!
5909 1:36 PM BODASHUZTATAS
Please keep me posted about Shelly. I am keeping you all in my prayersw and as always, thinking the best, sweetest thoughts of you all. Hugs & kisses, Lynda
She said she has only eaten jello (u know its green) LOL but at least thats a start!
Please keep her in your prayers!
shellylee aka kickasssis 5909 12:49 PM
I just got word from Shelly's daughter that she is in the hospital and has under went surgery to remove her galbladder. She went to the hospital in alot of pain and a very high fever. Her daughter Catie is to call me back after she gets to the hospital and learns more.
Please everyone keep her in your thoughts and prayers!
Shelly means the world to me. We might not be blood sisters but we are so close that she IS the sister I always wanted in my life! I LOVE U SIS!
5909 1:36 PM BODASHUZTATAS
Please keep me posted about Shelly. I am keeping you all in my prayersw and as always, thinking the best, sweetest thoughts of you all. Hugs & kisses, Lynda
7 comments
shellylee aka kickasssis 5/9/09 1:49 PM
I just got word from Shelly's daughter that she is in the hospital and has under went surgery to remove her galbladder. She went to the hospital in alot of pain and a very high fever. Her daughter Catie is to call me back after she gets to the hospital and learns more.
Please everyone keep her in your thoughts and prayers!
Shelly means the world to me. We might not be blood sisters but we are so close that she IS the sister I always wanted in my life! I LOVE U SIS!
Please everyone keep her in your thoughts and prayers!
Shelly means the world to me. We might not be blood sisters but we are so close that she IS the sister I always wanted in my life! I LOVE U SIS!
1 comments
Joke time! 4/10/09 3:21 PM
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it's raining
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it's raining
8 comments
GRRRRRRRRRRR COMPLAINT TIME!! 3/9/09 8:52 PM
How many people are having problems with everything one this site?! One minute I will have a message to show up then its just gone! I play my challenges but they don't go away! I try to delete old messages but they will not go away! So WTF is going on here?! When I joined King almost 2 years ago it was not like this!! If its a bigger servier you need Mr. King then get it! With the money that is made one here surely you can afford it!
Another complaint! If you are a gold player and you are ranked high in a game you can't send a challenge to other player because we are ranked to high, so you are punished for spending money to get that ranking! GRRRRRR
NOW THIS BLOG IS FOR EVERYONE THAT WOULD LIKE TO VOICE A COMPLAINT!
Another complaint! If you are a gold player and you are ranked high in a game you can't send a challenge to other player because we are ranked to high, so you are punished for spending money to get that ranking! GRRRRRR
NOW THIS BLOG IS FOR EVERYONE THAT WOULD LIKE TO VOICE A COMPLAINT!
9 comments
SO TRUE LOL 1/9/09 6:24 AM
Twas The Month After Christmas
Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste.
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Author Unknown
Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste.
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Author Unknown
5 comments
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T 1/1/09 1:05 PM
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again,"S-H- I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means
Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means
'Sorry,Honey, Its' Thursday'
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again,"S-H- I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means
Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means
'Sorry,Honey, Its' Thursday'
1 comments
A BIG THANK YOU! 11/14/08 12:33 PM
As some know my Mamaw (grandmother) has been in and out of the hospital for the past few months. Until we had to put her in a nursing facility because she need 24 hour care. It was a hard thing to do to her when she would beg us to take her home..Knowing we were unable to give her the care she needed, we did not have a choice but to leave her there. There was a family member be it son, daughter, grandchild or great great grandchild with her every day. There was someone with her at every meal to help her eat and someone there to tuck her in at night.
She passed away Thursday November 13th at 9:30 AM. She closed her eyes with a smile on her face and went to sleep. She had no suffering, and no pain. That part of her life is over..
She had 18 kids, and out of that 18 she had to watched 5 of them die. She told me years ago that no mother should see her children die and it was the worst thing she had ever had to deal with.
Every Summer we would go fishing and camping there was nothing she enjoyed more than that with her family. Me and her would get up before the sun would rise and build us a fire wrap up together in a blanket and talk for hours before everyone else would come out of there tents. That was the best thing in life for me and even though she is not here with me now she is forever in my heart.
Thank you so much for all the kind messages, prayers and gifts!! There is no family life my King family and I love you all.
Shelly (Sis) thank you so much. You are the best and I really don't know what I would do without you. I love you soooooooo much!!
She passed away Thursday November 13th at 9:30 AM. She closed her eyes with a smile on her face and went to sleep. She had no suffering, and no pain. That part of her life is over..
She had 18 kids, and out of that 18 she had to watched 5 of them die. She told me years ago that no mother should see her children die and it was the worst thing she had ever had to deal with.
Every Summer we would go fishing and camping there was nothing she enjoyed more than that with her family. Me and her would get up before the sun would rise and build us a fire wrap up together in a blanket and talk for hours before everyone else would come out of there tents. That was the best thing in life for me and even though she is not here with me now she is forever in my heart.
Thank you so much for all the kind messages, prayers and gifts!! There is no family life my King family and I love you all.
Shelly (Sis) thank you so much. You are the best and I really don't know what I would do without you. I love you soooooooo much!!
17 comments
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